4 ways in finding closure after abuse

 

 

Moving on after any breakup is challenging, but healing after an abusive relationship can be especially difficult. Sure, all breakups have their aftermath of sadness and loss, but for someone transitioning from victim to survivor, the fallout may include continued harassment or attacks. The resulting ongoing mental and emotional stress can make a survivor question — was leaving really worth it?

We’re here to say HELL YES. Yes, leaving is worth it. Why is moving on after abuse so difficult? Because abuse is rooted in power and control, and an abuser holds that power by minimizing their partner’s self-esteem and breaking their spirit down. If you’re leaving an abusive relationship, rebuilding your life can be a hard process, but with time and space, finding closure and peace is possible. A violence-free life is waiting, and you are so very worth it.

How do you start to move on? Here are some tips for moving past the experience of abuse into a safer, happier reality.

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1. Cut Off Contact With Your Ex

During the healing process, you may feel the need to offer forgiveness, help your abuser through the break up, or show your abuser how you’re better off. However, it’s difficult to really get closure without severing all ties with your ex.

Try different methods to avoid contacting your former partner. Delete their phone number and change yours. If you’re picking up the phone to call, put the phone in a different room and walk away.

Resist the urge to look them up on social media. Unfriend or block them, and if pictures or news keep popping up, it could be helpful to remove mutual friends as well.

Try writing a letter with all the things you want to say to your abuser and don’t send it — or, if you’re in counseling, send it to your therapist instead.

2. Surround Yourself With Support

After an abusive relationship, allow yourself to get help and support from others. Spend time with friends and family who care about you. Tell them what you need from them, whether that’s someone to talk to about what you went through, or someone to keep you from answering phone calls from your ex, stop you from texting back, etc.

If your abuser isolated you from friends and family, you may find that you no longer have that support network — but there are always people who want to help. Consider finding a counselor to talk with one-on-one, or join a support group, there are always people out there…and if you just simply need to share your story with someone, contact us, we want to hear…it sure is healing process the more you talk about it.

3. Take Care of Yourself

Taking care of yourself is such an important part of the healing process, and that begins with understanding that the abuse that happened wasn’t your fault.

Find things that make you happy. Rediscovering what hobbies you enjoy can be a learning process, but that’s half of the fun. Join clubs or try activities like a group fitness class to meet new people.

If you have children, find ways to make time for yourself. Some gyms offer free childcare while you work out, and different domestic violence centers provide childcare while you’re attending support groups.

Praise yourself for accomplishments, little or big, and counter any negative self-talk with positive mantras or affirmations. Becoming aware of what you think and say about yourself can help shift negative thoughts.

4. Remember That You Will Get Better With Time

The old saying that “time heals all wounds” can be incredibly frustrating, but there is truth in it. Recovery does take time and space. Give yourself as much time as you need to heal.

Recovery looks different for everyone, and each person has to find what works for them. Have you left an abusive relationship? What have you found to be helpful in recovering? What would you recommend to others who are coping with moving on after abuse? Please share!!

What is a healthy relationship?

“Healthy relationships.” This is a term we’re going to be talking about more on The Hotline blog. We want all of our callers to have healthy relationships in their lives.

What exactly do we mean by healthy though? And who decides what is healthy and what’s not? In the coming weeks, we want to look at what makes a healthy relationship so healthy, and what steps can be taken to improve the health of a relationship.

What Is Healthy?

Healthy relationships allow both partners to feel supported and connected but still feel independent. Here are some signs of a healthy relationship.

Both partners:

• Treat each other with respect
• Feel supported to do things they like
• Don’t criticize each other
• Allow each other to spend time with friends and family
• Listen to each other and compromise
• Share some interests such as movies, sports, reading, dancing or music
• Aren’t afraid to share their thoughts and feelings
• Celebrate each other’s accomplishments and successes
• Respect boundaries and do not abuse technology
• Trust each other and don’t require their partner to “check in”
• Don’t pressure the other to do things that they don’t want to do
• Don’t constantly accuse each other of cheating or being unfaithful

There are two major components of healthy relationships: communication and boundaries.

Communication allows you and your partner to have a deep understanding of each other. Do you feel that you can openly talk to your partner? Do you feel heard when you express your feelings? Do you allow your partner the same chance? Communication allows two people to connect.

Setting boundariesis also an important part of a healthy relationship. There are two distinct people in a relationship. While a couple should have shared goals and values, it also matters that both people have their needs met. Each person should express to their partner what they are and are not comfortable with, especially when it comes to their sex life, finances, family and friends, personal space and time.

Ultimately, the two people in the relationship decide what is healthy for them and what is not. Trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, you should have the freedom to voice your concerns to your partner.

Stay tuned for more information about healthy relationships. How do you define “healthy relationships?”

If you need support in your relationship, don’t hesitate to call the national DV hotline  at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233).

You have a voice… let others hear it!

Are you a survivor that has a story to tell? Are you living in silence out of fear or judgement? The truth is that we all have a story and we all deserve to be heard.

Another truth is that your story can help someone else. Many times we go through things so that God can use us to bless someone else. Our pain has purpose.

I believe in testimonies, I believe that the power of a testimony is very strong. When you decide to tell your story, you not only help someone else, but you begin to release the hurt and the pain that you have held inside all of these years.

Once you see how your story is impacting others, you will begin to feel better and you will also learn that you are not alone. A lot of times when we go through situations we feel like we are alone because we probably have not met someone that went through what we are going through or simply because we are living in silence. My organization Chasing Dreams Project seeks to be a platform for those who feel like they do not have a voice.

We encourage you to share your story whether you use your name or choose to be anonymous because we believe that is the best way to spread awareness. We place the stories on our site, but now I am even going to share them on this blog(as well as NEW site that we are working on). We are working on a BIG project and we need your help!

We need people who are willing to share their stories, it’s time to overcome! If you would like to share, please contact us!!

Safety planning with your kids

Being in an abusive situation can feel incredibly scary and isolating, and if children are involved – even indirectly witnessing the abusive – it can become a lot more complicated and dangerous. A parent’s instinct is to make sure their child is safe – but how can you do this best if your abusive partner is unpredictable, or manipulative?

Planning for Violence in the Home
If you are in an abusive relationship, a safety plan should include ways that your children can stay safe when violence is happening. It’s important to remember that if the violence is escalating, you should avoid running to the children because your partner may hurt them as well

• Teach your children when and how to call 911
• Instruct them to leave the home if possible when things begin to escalate, and where they can go
• Come up with a code word that you can say when they need to leave the home in case of an emergency  — make sure that they know not to tell others what the secret word means
• In the house: Identify a room they can go to when they’re afraid and something they can think about when they’re scared
• Instruct them to stay out of the kitchen, bathroom and other areas where there are items that could be used as weapons
• Teach them that although they want to protect their parent, that they should never intervene
• Help them to make a list of people that they are comfortable talking and expressing themselves to
• Enroll them in a counseling program (local service providers often have children’s programs)

Planning for Unsupervised Visits
If you have separated from an abusive partner and are concerned for your children’s safety when they visit your ex, developing a safety plan for while they are at their home can be beneficial.

• Brainstorm with your children (if they are old enough) to come up with ways that they can stay safe using the same model as you would for your own home. Have them identify where they can get to a phone, how they can leave the house, and who they can go to.
• If it’s safe to do, send a cell phone with the children to be used in emergency situations — this can be used to call 911, a neighbor or you if they need help

Planning for Safe Custody Exchanges

• Avoid exchanging custody at your home or your partner’s home
• Meet in a safe, public place such as a restaurant, a bank/other area with lots of cameras, or even near a police station
• Bring a friend or relative with you to the exchanges, or have them make the exchange
• Perhaps plan to have your partner pick the children up from school at the end of the day after you drop them off in the morning – this eliminates the chances of seeing each other
• Emotional safety plan as well – figure out something to do before the exchange to calm any nerves you’re feelings, and something after to focus on yourself or the kids, such as going to a park or doing a fun activity

Planning for After You Leave

• Alert anyone you can about the situation: school authorities like the counselor, receptionist, teachers and principal, sports instructors, and other caretakers
• Talk to these people about what’s going on, EX. If you have a protective order or restraining order, who is allowed to pick them up, etc.

How to Have These Conversations

Let your child know that what’s happening is not their fault and that they didn’t cause it. Let them know how much you love them and that you support them no matter what. Tell them that you want to protect them and that you want everyone to be safe, so you have come up with a plan to use in case of emergencies. It’s important to remember that when you’re safety planning with a child, they might tell this information to the abusive partner, which could make the situation more dangerous (ex. “Mom said to do this if you get angry.”) When talking about these plans with your child, use phrases such as “We’re practicing what to do in an emergency,” instead of “We’re planning what you can do when dad/mom becomes violent”

If you have any questions about safety planning or want an advocate’s help in developing a personalized safety plan for your child, you can call the national DV hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).